Первый канал

I had forgotten this feeling- the feeling that you understand. I usually don’t watch Russian television but on Sunday I accidentally switched the TV set on ‘1′- there was a nice show called ‘Ice Age’- people were dancing on ice and it was really beautiful. What was more beautiful, however, was the fact that the jury and the participants spoke in Russian. God bless ‘Fox Kids’! When I was younger I used to watch this TV programme, which was all cartoons. It was translated into Russian and, although I couldn’t understand much at the very beginning, after some time comprehension was not a problem. It’s been quite a while since I watched these cartoons for the last time, but since then I’ve had the instinctive feeling that I will understand Russian at least enough to see the main point, although I won’t be able to say something in the right way. And this proved somehow true- I not only watched this programme, but also watched the news, and, for my great surprise I understood even the awful reporter who spoke with the speed of light- I even laughed at the little jokes. How exhilarating for me and, my God, so natural- as if I’ve been doing this for ages! This morning I watched (surprisingly) the morning programme- some curious news and interviews. It was so nice! The feeling that you understand- I’ve been ‘studying’ Russian for more than three years at school right now but the fact is I learned nothing. I have to thank only to this children programme which broadcasted in Russian- it really helped me feel better. Now I’m so inspired that I’d really like to watch more and thus get better and better understanding. I hope I’ll have time and also that this has not been an illusion…

A strange experience

 

Am I crazy? Or just the people around me are a little strange?

Today I was sitting in a café with my mother and a friend of ours. On the table next to ours there were two girls and an effeminate boy (later I found out that one of the girls had big teeth and the other had really long and skinny face). From the first second we sat of the table they (especially one of the girls) started to stare at our direction and laugh- intermittently. I secretly looked around and saw they could have stared nobody else but me- why? I couldn’t answer this question. Then they tried to attract my attention by saying ‘Hey!’ to me, but I had luck that the fountain nearby was making such noise that we could barely hear our conversation. Of course, I tried to pay no attention to their actions and not to react in any way (knowing the people in Haskovo, who have the habit to stare and mock at everybody who walks on the street, I thought this is the best thing to do).

…

At the end they were going (I somehow sighed with relief), but for my greatest surprise one of the girls came to me and said she wanted to tell me something aside. I was very surprised and just thought it wouldn’t be polite to say ‘No!’ and said ‘OK’. We walked a few steps; she introduced herself and said that she would like us to go out and drink coffee sometimes. Out of courtesy, I said ‘Maybe’. Then she asked for my number, and even my answer that I didn’t have one (because I don’t like mobile phones) couldn’t discourage her. Then there was an uneasy silence, because nobody had nothing to say because we were pondering over the question how to get in touch- she was very persistent (Oh, how stupid I felt!), and then I said (damn logical thinking!) that if she can’t have my number I could have hers. And just like that I took the note with the bill, took a pen from my mother and wrote her number.She said she would wait for me to call, because I told her I wouldn’t be in the town for I don’t know how long (it was true!).

Now I sit and wonder- was that really sincere or just another, but extended this time, mockery? Of course, I don’t intend to call this number. The rudeness with which they were staring at us so openly and the fact that the logic is on my side support my opinion. If it was a mockery, then I’d be right. If it was true, then I definitely shouldn’t- she should have been so desperate to judge me on my outer appearance and like me. (If I weren’t I, I wouldn’t have a good opinion of myself considering only my look then (and usually)).

However, that really made me wonder- am I the only crazy one who thinks there are some limits defining appropriate behaviour? Or just the others don’t know how to behave? I know I wouldn’t ask people to drink coffee no matter how interesting they seem to me on the street- especially if they are completely unknown- that’s just not acceptable. If I have to say my opinion right now- then I was surprised, now I am just outraged!

To…

(Written on 02.08.2008; published today)

To my dear friend to whom I promised I won’t write about her so that that does not raise her self-esteem too much I’ll say: ‘I’m ready to pay the bill every time we meet for the sole reason that I know you. Thank you!’ I’ll say nothing more.

Aspirations

People thought that I’m crazy. (I wonder how many articles here I will start in this way!) I went to a speech-therapist because I can’t pronounce one sound. As a result I again immersed in the sea of suspicions of my relatives- ‘Who told you you needed this?’, ‘You are crazy.’; ‘You’ll only waste money.’ I tried to explain that no one brainwashed me and made me do this, and the reason is the fact that I’d like to develop my abilities and try to undo the mistake my parents made years ago when they didn’t try to do that, believing the trials will be futile and because they liked this ‘cute’ pronunciation.

I don’t think that’s my biggest problem, too, but I have many weak points, and why not try to fix this defect now? Maybe my cousin was right when he said he could make a list of my vices and disadvantages and my way of speaking wouldn’t be at one of the first places, but still I can’t understand people’s stubbornness.  One swallow doesn’t make a summer but it could be the herald of better times.

However, I think I succeeded to persuade the people at home- at least they stopped questioning my reasons and now just wait.

Of course, I should mention the people who supported me and still do that. I hope I’m not naïve to expect results at my age and won’t disappoint them and mainly myself.

‘Picture this’

Aristotle contemplating the bust of Homer

On this day in which I don’t feel inspired to read but to write I’d like again to present here a work of art that really impressed me. Although I still haven’t read Joseph Heller’s ‘Catch-22’ I tried to read another book of his- ‘Picture this’. I knew there are books which describe how an artist paints his pictures; however, I’d never imagined there might be a book which is organised like a painting- making you really feel as if you watch the painter apply the colours on different places on the canvas just wherever he want but not without a systematic approach- everything serves his genius. And it’s really impossible to believe that from the picture ‘Aristotle contemplating the bust of Homer’ the author succeeded to make so many implications not only for the world then and for the world long ago but also for the world now. A wondrous eclectic book combining insights on Rembrandt’s oeuvre and life, the legislation in Athens many centuries ago, the philosophy of Plato and Socrates and the present situation in the world, it has no plot but at the same time many different and complex plots, which overlap and at the end make an amazing work of art. As I said, it’s like a painting- it is static but implies motion, you can behold the separate details but it’s better to look from distance and really see it all, depending on the lights you see different aspects but still everything is beautiful and just ‘smells’ like genius.

My endorsement of English

I was just reminded of the visit of the Frenchman in my home and how I communicated with the whole French group here. The memory for the past experience just merged with the impressions from the movie in Swedish I watched yesterday night.

When I listened to the French group and could understand whole words and phrases (of course, thanks to the setting and context). Then I understood that I’ve been deceiving myself my whole life that I study English (generally, a Germanic language) and I’ve been studying mispronounced French (a Romance language). I knew French words in English are a lot but I hadn’t realized how many exactly. I felt some resentment but then I realised the opportunity of easier studying of French (although I’ve never thought about that seriously). Then I compare this to the film yesterday- I don’t say I don’t like Swedish- just the opposite. However, when I heard how English might have sounded (had it preserved the biggest part of its Germanic nature and vocabulary) I sighed with relief that it doesn’t.

Now I realise I’m happy to study the language that distorts words in the most enchanting way possible- English- a charming ‘wordcracker’.

Hahaha! Thanks to Rosita, I just realized how unnaturally I look on pictures. However, I wonder, if I look unnaturally on all pictures, that could mean only one thing- I look unnaturally even in flesh. Yes, I usually compare myself to somebody just unburied, but that was just for the strange blue-purple colour my hands have sometimes and for the fact that my bones sometimes make strange clicking sounds when I move. Oh, and for the shape of my body- as if there’s no meat on it. Hahaha, I’ve always joked like that, but I’ve never realized how much my self-mockery is exactly representing the truth. Don’t misunderstand me- I like myself (although I pity the others who have watched me and who watch me now- I look like a big doll on strings), but I’ve seen more with my subconscious than with my eyes and that’s a little disappointing. The living dead! That sounds more like a title of an Edgar Allan Poe’s story. I just need someone to write that story for me.

Hahaha, I just can’t stop laughing!

Misunderstandings

Am I crazy? I think I have still preserved my sanity and good reason. But what about my guilt- it is still so strong in me. Just a few minutes ago I was amazed how strange people can be:

This year everybody was amazed that the II ‘rounds’ of the Linguistics and Mathematics Olympiads were in the same weekend, in the same day. I was not only surprised- I was shocked and even infuriated. Because I could be at both of them. Finally, I decided to go only to the Linguistics Olympiad. And another surprise emerged the last day, yesterday. The Olympiad should start at 14.00. Strange, eh? They gave a chance to the students go to the two of them. Of course, I decided it would be too exhausting to spend 14 hours of my weekend at school, pondering over strange things I can never solve because they are made to discourage the poor students from the provinces (I mean the mathematical problems). However, I was still surprised the Olympiad was scheduled at 14.00… Until, a few minutes ago, I was told they changed the schedule because of me (because I am the only person who could be at both of them) and now the whole community (OK, not so many people, but still…) will make an afternoon Olympiad as… never. Of course, no one asked me about my plans.

I feel guilty (because of the others), but I also feel irritated. Shouldn’t the teachers have asked me first and then make me take the responsibility for changing the plans of the others? Am I crazy or… the others just don’t think?

„Сачмалии!” or ““Can lee”- с две думи „Може ли(й) (такова нещо)?””

(I wanted to post this “article” at least ten days ago- now I found time at last. The situation even changed a little since then. I am really emotionally involved and might not sound so clear. Sorry!) 

Now I will show some facts:

1.     People organize protests because they don’t want children who have some really serious and mainly mental disorders to be moved into their neighbourhood because the people wouldn’t like to feel depressed when they see so much misery every day.

2.     People show on the TV one woman who tries to sing in English but she utters some inarticulate sounds; everybody laughs at her and even some journalists make special reportages about her- to show everyone her humble abilities because she has never studied English.

3.     Instead of helping, people shoot a film with their mobile phones while other people are trying to get out of a burning train.

Now guess which two of these are considered really wicked and which one is deemed normal and even amusing. If you do not have any information about the aforementioned things it’s not as easy as is seems.

And now we have the reaction of the media- (3.) they make analyses and try to prove that all Bulgarians are out of their minds- they are selfish and never expect anyone to help them, and that’s why they don’t help the others. If it was only this, I might have even agreed with it! (Well, not exactly- people in extraordinary situations are unpredictable or show what their originally wild nature really is. I don’t say it is good to be selfish in difficult situations but this is normal for people who are really scared. How often does a wild animal help any animal of its kind instead when a parent (and mainly a mother) helps its children? Sometimes we just follow our instincts.) But they shot a short film- that’s strange, eh? I’d say that it’s not so strange- it is the same as when people start to laugh in front of an awful view or when they don’t foresee good future, or just in difficult situations. Some people like to laugh, others like to shoot films. Induction leads us…

(2.) People try to live in a place where they don’t feel excessive grief every single day. I don’t blame them although I think we all should be magnanimous. We should be but we aren’t and, probably, will never be. Unfortunately! What more can I say? I don’t like to be grieved, too. And I’m sure these people don’t have a lack of sorrow- they don’t need to “import” some. I do think that they wouldn’t withstand such a thing.

However, let’s say that these things are really bad and see what the “good people” from the media do (if someone wonders why I’ve put “people” in inverted commas- it’s because they don’t fit their own standards for human beings). (1.) These “people” representing the television that most criticised these acts of wickedness paid really special attention to a woman who should have been pitied not less than the others. She sang awfully in “English” but it was just a casting. They could have missed her as the numerous untalented people who tried to take part in “Music Idol”. However, they did their best to inform everybody, even those who in the first days didn’t know that, how uneducated she was. Perfect! They are really benevolent and always try to help the others! And now their top achievement- the woman was obviously not exactly normal because she thought she could sing. They even promoted her and she really believed she was a star…

Now I sit and wonder- am I the one who is crazy to think this is not rightl; or just the problem is with the insane woman (or all other “strange” “singers/idols”)? Does she really deserve to be laughed at? Couldn’t they try to help her instead?…

Well, I do know one thing- wicked people are those who accept all this! I don’t!

People thought that I’m crazy! Ha! When I for the first time decided not to eat sweet for one month people at home refused to believe that- they spent many hours in trials to persuade me not to do that. Well, they couldn’t, but that’s not the most important. What is important is that it worked. It worked then, about a year ago, and it works now. I decided that three times in the year for one month I will not eat sweet things and won’t even drink sweet things- only water, soda, milk and tea without sugar. Why? Because I stopped relishing these things which used to give me great pleasure- I decided that when I “lose” them for one month then I will enjoy them more. I think it worked- a week ago my month of self-restrain finished and during this week I again succeeded to enjoy things I’d desired for a month and I still do that- every sip of cola, every chocolate is something tasty and it gives me pleasure- just what I wanted. During these months of restraint I also found new tastes- it’s much better to dine and drink only water- you feel the food and do not mix the tastes with juice, for example. It sounds strange, but I found new tastes and rediscovered the old ones. People thought that I’m crazy but they just couldn’t and still can’t imagine…